Bus Woes | Commuting in India

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For those not fortunate enough to own a car or a bike, getting into a bus at the end of the day is a daily test of one’s faith. Once you make it past the foot-board, you are automatically pushed into the bus by the tiding swarm of people. And once you are inside the bus, it is an entirely different story. The people are basically sandwiched against each other. You don’t know if the guy standing behind you is being a pervert or just trying to breathe. Flip a coin, and hope for the best.

It gets worse for women. Obviously. Prepare to be fondled every which way to Sunday. The midriff of a typical female bus traveler is often mistaken for hand-holds. Most women are proficient in the art of elbowing and karate chops. Bare skin protruding out from any part of your attire is misconstrued as a request for free massage. With time, you will start envying the women in Burqas. At least they don’t feel like museum pieces.

The bus drivers here have what is known as the ‘Schumacher Complex’. They were denied a rightful place in the Grand Prix, and they vent their anger in the road. Bus drivers have a strong sense of right and wrong. Sometimes, a bus driver feels that a passing motorist has disrespected him. And when he feels wronged, there is no stopping him. Literally. He will speed up, expecting the lowly cars and bikes to make way for him, with the ‘air-horn’ leading the way.  Once he catches up with the motorist, he will let loose a string of expletives, that will leave you in silent contemplation of the many things that the driver considers an insult. As a youngster, I learnt to swear in Malayalam from the friendly neighborhood bus driver, and swearing in English, I learnt from  Samuel L Jackson.

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The typical bus driver is the master of suspense. You will have no clue about when the bus is going to halt. The naïve youngsters who are bus-virgins, will assume that a bus will slow down before it stops. What they don’t realize is that the laws of physics do not apply inside an Indian bus. The bus stops when the bus stops. The bus driver has mastered the art of bringing the bus to an absolute standstill from a speed of 80kmph, within a few hundred feet. Of course, the law of inertia dictates that the passengers, who were all travelling at a speed of 80kmph until a while back, grab hold of whatever scrap of bus they can find, in order to not be thrown out of the windshield. A hundred hands lifting up in the air in desperate unison, means a hundred armpits instantly make contact with the air, and the smell produced is… well… *sob*

And on those rare occasions when you manage to find a seat in the bus, prepare to be stared at, all stares meaning one thing – you are in my seat, jerk. Out staring the starers is an art in itself. And the minute you lift your posterior even an inch, there are 10 other posteriors jostling to fill up the space. It is a humbling thought, the knowledge that your posterior is instantly replaceable.

Once you are out of the bus, smelling of armpits and quiet desperation, and capable of breathing in the wonderfully polluted air without stepping on someone’s toes, you can check your pockets/bags to make sure that everything is where it is supposed to be.

Having to travel in the bus, is the main reason why so many of the middle-class people in India are religious. I mean, if there is no God, the only thing standing between you and certain death is the bus driver, and that is not a reassuring thought.

Bon Voyage

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37 thoughts on “Bus Woes | Commuting in India

  1. Each and every line is correct as I am regular bus traveler. And I know no other can feel the bus incidents and consequences than an Indian who greatly depends on these multi-wheeled vehicles.

    By the way, very nicely written. Loved it. 🙂

  2. you forgot the GP on road the private buses and ksrtc buses undertake on a daily basis . just last week i miraculously escaped from being rammed by a limited stop private bus that was overtaking a ksrtc both plying the guruvayoor – palakkad route. .

  3. Some of the buses have those musical horns which make you feel that you would rather stay in the Bigg Boss house and listen to the catfights all your life than hear the horn blow one more time!

  4. lol this was hilarious! ShethP is right, you do have a way with writing. There’s something seriously wrong with WordPress or me, I don’t get notifications on your new posts! And I’m definitely missing out a lot.

  5. This post should have carried a warning label. I read it while eating my lunch and nearly spat it out laughing on a couple of occasions. Good read, thanks!
    -Cranky

  6. Pingback: Dragon’s Loyalty Award Nomination | Notes From a Cranky Buddha

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