Gentlemen, today, is the most important day in some of your lives. Why only some? We’ll get to that later… Shut up Peter…Today you stop being humans, and become Politicians. Before you set forth on your long journey, let me walk you through the cardinal rules once again…
- The importance of timing
If you win an election and your father dies the same day, hide him in a freezer, and wait for the next scandal/election before thawing him out. Timing is everything.
- Have open conversations
Never say what you mean, or mean what you say. Keep them guessing.
- Be positive
Always smile. Unless somebody died. Then cry. Regulate tears depending on relevance of the deceased. The less important he is, the more you cry. The law of diminishing returns applies.
- Be health-conscious, carry a case of insulin at all times
That way, if you are caught with your pants down, you can claim you were taking your routine injections, and that the lovely lady was helping you with the shots, because your ‘hand don’t go where the sun don’t shine’. If questions arise about why she was naked, hold an emergency meeting with the local feminist chapter to discuss the importance of the right to dress comfortably in work place. Move on. Make sure that the next insulin shot is taken somewhere private, preferably with multiple exits.
- Be humble, aim low.
Always hit below the belt. A well placed sucker punch can do wonders. Make him beg for his mommy.
- Be creative
The ability to make things up on the spot is a valued asset.
- Make it work for you
Never forget that your underlings would climb over you cold dead body in a heart-beat to get to where you are today. Treat them accordingly. Make them willing slaves, and promise them the moon in return. They are desperate. Make it work for you.
- Set your priorities straight
If the date of an important bill clashes with a meeting with your bankers, send a body double to vote in your stead. Those bastards can bleed you dry if you turn your back on them, even for a second, and you won’t even know it until your bones rattle. Next thing you know, you’ll be taking classes for wannabe politicians who couldn’t tell their posteriors from their prostates, hating it, hating them, hating the wife, hating the bankers who bled me dry, wishing an apocalypse would end the world and only I would survive, with a handful of victoria’s secret models to keep me…I mean…you… company. But…Errr…I digress…
I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve, and I’m sorry to see you go. Yes Peter, I came up with that…Not, I’ve never heard of any lord of the rings. Who is he??? Settle down now…
I have written recommendations for some of you. The rest of you are yet to impress me with your punctuality. You can start by clearing your dues. Remember this recommendation could one day be your ticket to the oval office. My receptionist accepts credit cards. And no, that’s not the lady from all the videos. That is someone else…. Yes, I know there is a resemblance…. You want the damn recommendations or not? Screw you too Peter… You father was a loser, and so are you… It’s a good thing you got your looks from the plumber…
Now if you’ll excuse me gentlemen, it’s time for my shots… “Sarah…”
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